Entry # 16: A DISCRETIONARY TALE!

Discretionary tales can take on many forms, looks, and feelings for the hospital chaplain. To mentally and emotionally process through what’s being said as we are listening and prayerfully discerning for guidance, direction or action one should take to be a comforting presence to the patient and their loved ones that are in that room. Discretion is defined as, “the quality of behaving or speaking in such away as to avoid causing offense or revealing private information,” (Lexcio Oxford Dictionary, (2021). I entered the room of an African American senior male patient in his mid 70’s, that was actively dying on one early morning. I had met him before, so there was just a short momentary introduction and greeting with him and his family. His family consisted of his wife, daughter and another gentleman standing bedside. We were all providing polite conversation at his bedside even though we all knew that he was actively dying. As we were talking, the patient looked at me, and to my surprise, he asked everyone to leave the room so that he could talk to me, privately.

I told him sure and then gracefully escorted his family members including his wife with puzzlement on their faces out the door. I closed the door behind them and I walked back to the patient’s bedside wondering what he could possibly want to discuss with me, privately. “Even in a first encounter with a chaplain, some patients perceive the chaplain as God’s representative. Sensing an opportunity to get help on some level, the patient believes that one must commence a process of confession and seek forgiveness from God with the chaplain.” And, “often people in the hospital ask themselves questions of purpose/meaning. What does this illness mean? Why is this happening to me? Is my illness a punishment of some kind?” (Silberman, J. 2017). So, I’m wondering what’s he’s about to say to me.

As he looked at me, he said, I’m not a perfect man and I haven’t done everything right, but I know that God love's me, anyway. I smiled at him when he said that. He continued to say, I need to ask you a favor, I said sure. He said, I have been with my wife for 40 something years, and I love her dearly, but she isn’t going to take my death very well. I agreed with him and said I know. With tears in his eyes, he asked me would I be willing to be there at his funeral for his wife? I was silent for a moment to ponder my response. And then I said, yes. This would require me to stay in touch with the family after he passed to gain the funeral information. He said I need you to give her a message at the funeral, from me. I want her to know that I sent you, so get her alone and tell her this, (a discretionary private loving moment).

I became a chaplain carrier of a private message that would need to be delivered at his funeral. I listened intently to his every word to make sure that I wouldn’t forget how and what he wanted stated. We finished our talk; he grabbed my hand ever so tightly and he started pastorally praying for me. He prayed for my strengthening, anointing, continued faith in the ministry. He wanted to pass on his Godly wisdom to me, too. He prayed for me and shook Heaven down in that room. I saw a weak frail dying man obtain an amazing strength and anointing glow resting upon him. He ended his prayer for me and smiled and told me thank you for doing what he wanted. I just smiled at him in awe and overwhelmed to be asked to carry such a loving message to his wife and his mighty pastoral prayer over me, also. When we were done, I opened the door to let his family back in and I said goodbye to all of them. Yes, they still looked at me with a curious puzzlement on their faces. They wanted to know what he had said and what happened between us, but I kept the patient’s confidentiality of that extremely precious peaceful moment that we shared, between us and I left the room.

Reflection/Lesson Learned:

“Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee:”

(Proverbs 2: 11)

Sin, Confession, and Forgiveness in Spiritual Care:

Among the most common dynamics that chaplains encounter in the

provision of spiritual care is guilt, sin, and forgiveness. Not at all unusual,

as many patients associate the fact of their illness or hospitalization with

having done something sinful. Simple theological understanding instructs

one that there is a direct consequence between having done something

wrong and their present situation. It is imagined that whatever the person

once did is the direct cause of their present medical circumstance. For

chaplains, this inference becomes an opportunity to work with someone

to address perceived sin and help move that person toward spiritual

healing. (APC Forum, May 2017, Vol. 19 No. 3).

I often share with others when I’m asked about my bedside pastoral care encounters. Most of the times, I’m not discussing their illnesses or conditions. Many times it’s more about some version of guilt, shame, and a need for addressing forgiveness. Although, if they are actively dying, then it’s more about fear and anxiety of dying are included in our conversations, that is if we are even actually talking. But for this transitioning patient it was about sending a loving message to his wife. After about three weeks, I received a call from his daughter with the funeral arrangements. I told her that I was coming. On the day of his funeral, I arrived early during the wake. I stayed in the back since I was a stranger at his funeral. I waited for the moment between the wake and the funeral to approach his wife. As she was sitting on the front row in front of her husband's casket. I greeted her, I sat down beside her and her daughter approached us. When she saw me, we spoke and I told her that I needed to talk to her mother. She walked away, and I sat by his wife/her mother and I took her hand. I told her that her husband sent me to be with her with a message from him. She began to squeeze my hand and cry, I looked up and saw some people looking at us, but I continued to say what he instructed me to say. I provided her with his words, (a discretionary act).

When I finished my statement, she stated, only he would have known that, I agreed. I went to stand up and leave, since the funeral was about to start. She took my hand and asked me to stay with her, so I sat with her the entire funeral allowing her to hold my hand and cry on my shoulder. I was a stranger invited into this family’s moment of losing a loved one and their grief. Yet, because of his message, I became a welcomed participant and pastoral guest to them. If you ever see a hospital chaplain quietly sitting and possibly withdrawn from the surrounding activities around them. Please be understanding and ask if they need anything. Better yet, ask if you can pray for them. You have absolutely know idea of the many confidential moments that we may have experienced. Or that they may be carrying and/or inner pondering in silence, many things that we will never utter. A chaplain's goal is to be a spiritual presence of comfort to others that we serve. Sometime it may take us a moment to release our chaplain calling duties which can include discretionary matters. Remember that sometime we get, discretionary tales, assignments!!! #chaplainlife #Eachoneprayforoneanother #servantleadership

Here’s a sneak preview, “The Model Maker!” Until next time.

For the sake of the Chaplain’s healing Call!

Chaplain Jacqueline M. Pressey, Ed.D

"Every job is a self-portrait of the person who does it. Autograph your

work with becoming extraordinary, through pursuing EXCELLENCE!

Reference:

Lexico Oxford Dictionary, (2021). Discretionary: Retrieved January 28, 2021 from

https://www.lexico.com/definition/discretion

Silberman, J., (2017). APC Forum, May 2017, Vol. 19 No. 3 Retrieved January 28, 2021 from

https://www.professionalchaplains.org/content.asp?pl=463&sl=674&contentid=674